What I'll Miss About The Holidays

Last night as I took down our Christmas decorations, I began to think of all I've already started missing about the Holidays.

Holiday greetings. I went to the grocery store last night and I told the clerk "Happy New Year!". They didn't respond but I have to say I like just having a joyful phrase to give people. I'm trying to think of something I could say that is less cliche than "How are you?" or "Have a nice day!" but that still conveys the good will, joy and positivity found in holiday greetings. I have to say that though Christmas is my December holiday, I would be thrilled to be told Happy Kwanzaa or Happy Chanukah!

Decorations. They're just so cheery and gaudy and fun! Have a dreary room in your house? Cover it in gold tinsel and ribbons and a little evergreen and you'll be smiling in no time. Too bad I can't have a cut tree in my living room year round!

Sentimentality. I'm not talking about contrived sentiment like "Christmas Shoes" (I turn the station when it comes on...why write a song with the express intent to make someone cry??). I'm talking about my daughter asking to paint a plate for a Christmas gift for her dad. Or taking our Christmas ornaments from past years. Or putting out the nativity scene my mom gave me that I used to put out as a child. Or my heart warming as my children discover the toys Santa left and remembering how I felt about Christmas as a child.

Family. I will see my big extended family on New Year's Day and then they'll all go back into hiding at their respective homes. We saw my sis-in-law and her crew on Christmas Day and probably won't see them again till her baby is born.

Goodies. There is so much good food and sweets around this time of year!!

The Salvation Army bucket. I honestly wish they had one all year round. I love the greeter telling me "Merry Christmas (see the first thing I miss again)" and giving my kids change to put in it. I actually looked for one when I left the store last night because I wanted to put some change in it. Why do we spontaneously give spare change to people in need for a month and a half and then go back to having to either seek out charities or be annoyed by them? Who is sincerely annoyed by the Salvation Army bucket? I'm not! I say let's have one year round!

There's probably lots more but that's enough for this year. I need to go back to eating Christmas cookies before the Holidays are over. I cut myself off from being a Holiday glutton on Jan 2-add that to my list!

If I Could Paint...

Today if I could paint, I'd paint lovely calming blues and greens in swirling curls and rounds. I'd paint ice blue hard lines of coldness and numbness. I'd paint warm reds and oranges and yellows of passion in leaps of color. I'd paint blacks and browns and grays or hurt and confusion and clouding of judgment and truth. It might not be a pretty picture today. Emotions aren't always pretty.

The Shaky Dance

When my daughter was about 3, she was a big fan of The Wiggles. If you're unfamiliar with the 5 and under set entertainment, you can check them out here. I'll sum up that they're a group of four Australian young men who sing songs aimed at preschoolers, complete with a narcoleptic (not kidding). One day, she came to our house singing The Shaky Dance song. It's a song (really called Shaky Shaky apparently) The Wiggles sing sometimes basically as a means of getting energy out for the little ones. Today I have all sorts of ways I want (and don't want) to do The Shaky Dance.

I would really like to stop shaking from the asthma medication I have to take since I have an upper respiratory infection. I'd also like to stop shaking from the infection itself.

I'm ready to shake off the feelings of dissatisfaction off that have settles on me like a heavy winter cloak.

I'm ready to shake loose the shackles of expectations, opinions, woulds, and shoulds of the world and of well meaning loved ones.

I want to shake the sand off my feet and run instead of feeling like I've been standing still for far too long.

I need to shake both physically and mentally to rid myself of my feelings of inadequacy and ugliness.

This is NOT a post intended to whine. But I know there are others out there who need to shake something off. Whether it's a person or a feeling or some extra pounds or that job that is dragging you down. Shake it off today! If you need pointers on how, watch The Wiggles for some moves (plus, it will probably cheer you up)!

Thanks...giving.

One of my earliest coherent thoughts this morning (after "Please go back to sleep, baby....it's not even 5 AM yet!" Stupid time change.) was, "I need to write a Thanksgiving blog." I realized that since tomorrow will be devoted to cooking and family, I better do it today!

First, I want to tell you to please read the blog post before this one. I'd really, really like to know if there are any needs out there that you have or know of that I could possibly help with. This spirit of wanting to give has come alive in me and I want to act on it and spread it as much as possible! In that same vein, I really want to do something like this.

What am I thankful for this year?

I am so thankful for my son. He is so much joy to me. There are moments when I want to scream because I'm having to take away the same item from him for the millionth time. Or because he won't stop climbing on the oven door and I'm afraid he'll get hurt (true story). Or because I am so tired I could cry and he won't stop saying "up! up!" to me and my mommy guilt is kicking in. But mostly, and often right after those moments, my heart swells to bursting with love and gratitude. Gratitude that God gave this precious boy to me. He is so amazing. He finds my face in the dark when he's laying in bed with me first thing in the morning (now that he has a "big boy" bed, he comes in and snuggles with us in the morning) and give me kisses. He randomly takes my head in his hands and presses his forehead to mine. Sometimes it's "I love you, Mommy" and sometimes "I'm 'getting' you, Mommy" and either one is wonderful! He holds my hand, he hugs me, he lays on my lap. Mostly he runs around and gets into things but he still needs to check in with me. Because it's a mutual love affair we have going on. My little boy is just love and sweetness and curiosity and joy and spirit all rolled up in one.

I am so thankful for my sweet daughter. She is a special gift. She is beautiful and smart and so compassionate. She loves to help people and especially animals. She wants to do things simply because they're kind to the earth. She loves to snuggle. My heart aches at the thought of her growing up and away from me. I dread the teenage years when she no longer wants to just sit with me. I hope against hope that they will never come and that even through those years, she will be my little girl in her own way. I want SO much for her. I want to put little stickers or shields in the spots in her heart where I got hurt as a young girl...so that she might be spared those hurts. I know that I can't and even if I could, she would only get hurt somewhere else. But oh, this mama's heart longs to protect her! I try to arm her to deal better with the world and with pain instead. But mostly, I want to teach her love and give her love.

I am so thankful for my dear husband. I had no idea what I was in for 7 years ago when I went on a blind date. But I was blessed when I met my Shane. He is kind and generous and funny and talented. He can make me laugh like no one else. He touches me with his desires for the world. He touches me with his willingness to give...even to complete strangers. Seriously, my husband has an incredible heart. I don't always appreciate him like I should but I am so thankful for him.

I am so thankful for my family of origin. I have a mother who can sing like an angel, cook such yummy things (I find comfort there), and give. I just realized some of my giving heart comes from her. I have a (step)father who sees potential in me, who gave me so much for no reason other than his love for my mother and her children, who has lived such an interesting life and from whom I have so much yet to learn. My Pop stepped in and gave me the gift of a father when I had none. For that I am eternally grateful. I have a brother who is a genius (literally) and who is eager and willing to share his knowledge. He has so many layers to him this brother of mine. He is loving and sometimes unsure. He knows so much but forgets sometimes his own worth. He is sincere and genuine...and sometimes that causes him to be vulnerable to pain. I think he is learning to be comfortable with himself and I'm proud of him for that. He and I are similar in that I'm on that journey, too. What a gift to have a big brother!

I had to start a new paragraph for the last member of my family of origin. I am so so thankful for my sister...in the way that you're so much more thankful for what you almost lost. I don't even know how to give you words about her. The need to start a new paragraph mirrors the importance she has always held in my life. She is so fun to laugh with. We love to analyze our own dreams. We discuss the important issues in our lives. We're completely silly together. We love to watch movies together, play video games together, complete puzzles together, shop together...you should pick up on the word "together" by now. I treasure her and I am so thankful for her.

I am so thankful also for my extended family. I have a grandma who is hurting so much right now. But even in that hurt, I see that this beautiful woman is in there. And I see that she raised this incredible family I'm blessed to be part of. I see that anyone who was so loved by a man such as my grandfather can be nothing short of incredible. I see in her the spunk I so admire in book characters...and which I covet. I am so thankful for the nearly 30 years I had my grandfather. I will miss his prayer in a way deeper than I can possibly express tomorrow. I have aunts and uncles and cousins who would knock your socks off. They are incredible people. There has always been a place at the Thanksgiving (or Christmas or Easter or whatever) table for anyone who needs it. We have welcomed friends and strangers over the years. I am so grateful to have this core group of people to tie a tether back to in a world of so much uncertainty. I have in-laws who are so much more than I could have even asked for. They are kind and understanding and open. There is no judgement in their homes. There is always laughter and children running. The sweet faces of my nephews and niece make my heart warm at the thought. I am so grateful for this family my husband has so generously shared with me. And I am so grateful my children can call all these people family.

I have SO much to be grateful for!! I could go on and on and tell you how I really live in the lap of luxury (no, we're not wealthy by American standards but truly, we have SO much). I could tell you how I never have to worry if I'll go hungry or if I can go to school or if I will have a job. I am so spoiled and have so much to be grateful for. But this year, my focus is on the people. How incredibly, undeniably blessed am I to be surrounded with all these people to love? Thank you, God, for this gift of loved ones.

What are you thankful for? I really want to know. What or who makes your heart warm this holiday season?

Turning Outward

Ok so I realize that my posts have been a little self-centered lately. So I want to amend that. I also think the Universe/God/circumstances has been shouting at me lately and waving a giant sign around that says "LOOK at somebody else!!!" So I'm slow to listen, but I'm listening now.

 Yesterday, I stumbled upon this article on MSN.com. It's very much along the lines of what I've been reading on all kinds of blogs (especially this one) about just DOING what it is you want to be doing...rather than, you know, waiting till you win the lottery (or finish college, or your two year old grows up hehe). So, I decided to do my own experiment and post my status on Facebook as "What would you do if you won the lottery?" My friends delivered. The vast majority of them said they would help others (though my favorite remark was by my friend, Ginger, who said "I wouldn't tell a soul..." It should be said Ginger is very kind and giving...and funny hehe). Some restricted their help to family and friends, one said the priority expense would be tithing, and others wanted to help whomever needed it. I'm proud of my friends and family (even Ginger ;) ).

Then today I stumbled upon this blog. This woman is doing some amazing stuff and inspiring some amazing stuff (look at this for more about it). And she talks about the power of this medium, of the internet and blogging and tweeting. It's capable of so much more than keeping people apprised of what we ate for lunch and what strange thing we just saw.

HAHA! I couldn't resist...you know, being a vegetarian and all!

The last few days, I've heard of a man who started a Thanksgiving meal in his community and another this morning. As I walked into work this morning at the unheard of time of 7:30 AM (because Daylight Savings Time is evil and my son has consistently woken up no later than 5 AM since then...), I thought about these people helping others. And that's what this season is about, right? I want to teach my children this....I need to learn more about this. Not so that we can pull out our halos every November. But so that we celebrate the giving and the helping every year so much more than the gifts and the tinsel and the food.

I want to do something this year. My city has a large mission/shelter that serves a Thanksgiving meal so I feel like that need is covered. I want to help where a need is NOT being met. I am going to try using this technology for something larger than expressing selfish epiphanies or hypothetical queries on the complexities of life. I want to ask simply: How can I help? It can be local, it can be not so local. A solution would be helpful but even if I just get comments on what some needs are it's a good start. Maybe if I can't find you a solution, someone else reading can! And don't feel like the problem and/or solution has to be related to the holiday season. Let's see if we can put this blog to work and look outward.

Road Map...or maybe GPS?

I've noticed a trend recently. Every time I ask a person in an interesting career position about how they got there, the answer always seems to be some variation on "things just fell into place".

I had to do 3 interviews for a paper in one of my classes last year. They were to be people in fields that interested me for my career. I want (I think!) to pursue something in non-profit or government at this point. We won't discuss the 30 page term paper I had to write based on those interviews *shudder*. My subjects were: the mayor of the city where I live, the executive director of the local public radio station, and a friend of mine who used to be the director at a local nature center. The mayor and the radio exec (haha I'm sure she would laugh at being called that! Sounds different than her actual job like she should be wearing a powersuit and always barking into a cell phone!) both set out to do completely different things originally. Neither had training, background or education in their fields prior to starting in them (to be fair, our mayor was a city commissioner before becoming mayor so it's not like she had no experience to be a good mayor). My friend, however, did go to school and get a science degree. She was hired on at the nature center and by chance became the director. She is no longer in that position. I recently heard of another person in a high public position in city government who did not set out to even work in government and certainly not as a higher official. He started out as an accountant for the city and pursued education in the field as he went (this is 3rd hand information so my apologies to the official if it's at all inaccurate).

Why is it that all these people "fell" into positions (and management positions at that)? Is it that their age (the 3 who happened into their fields and are still in those positions are 10-20 years older than I and my friend who went to school for her position and whose career is still evolving is my age) indicates how society allowed more "happening" into a position than it does now? Is this still the way it works? Can we plan our careers? Does it ever work out when we try to plan our careers?

I've been thinking about what i want to do next in my work part of my life. Not just where do I want to be employed when I leave my current position...that's not a question I'm asking at this moment. I'm a Senior in college at the close of this semester. I know I want to finish this degree (BA in Public Administration). If I want to pursue government (especially locally), I should probably get my Masters. I don't want to jump immediately into more school when I graduate with my BA. I eventually would like to go to law school but that has to wait till we can leave our city as we don't have one here. If I want to pursue non-profit, what aspect? Do I want to concentrate on my pet issues (the environment, women's rights, Liberal ideas)? Do I want to just get my foot in the door and go from there? I've even toyed with the idea of starting my own business that works with non-profits...sort of an entrepreneurial NGO.

But is the education or the pursuit of one path pointless? Will fate/circumstances guide my path? What's my responsibility in the process? Just keep my eyes open or make decisions and be open to changing them? Or both?

I have a lot more questions than answers today! I wish I had a map to show me where to turn to get to which destination. I wish I had a phone book of people who I could get information from to make this decision. If you think you have information that would help, please let me know! Is this common for my generation or just a late bloomer like myself? Are you struggling with similar decisions? It would be nice if we can all find the answers together!

Clean Slate

Do you ever just want to swipe everything off the table with your arm like they do in the movies? Not so much to hop up there and have sex but more out of frustration. Everything on the table just piles up and makes a mess until it's just too much.

I'm feeling that way these days. I'm not going to go into all the ugly details. Suffice it to say that some of it is serious and some of it is trivial. But I have a strong urge to just swipe the table clean with my arm and start all over. I'm just so frustrated!

I'm really trying to improve myself and my life here. I'm pretty proud of myself on many fronts. I'm learning to be more assertive. I'm back in school (that was a scary step...and sometimes it's hard to stay!). I volunteer when I can to causes I believe in. I'm trying to look more closely at every aspect of my life and see how I can make it the best it can be instead of just leaving it to take care of itself. I'm not perfect at this. Heck, sometimes I fall flat on my face. But I'm trying!

I don't really have an uplifting message to end this post on. I can offer you the metaphor of the table and tell you where I'm at. I hope your table is clean and organized and you feel you can tackle one task at a time and not swipe everything off. I'm not there but I sincerely hope you are.

If I Could Paint

I'm an amateur artist. I've displayed in an open hanging at the local art museum and I've won a couple prizes at the local fair. But I'm very much an amateur. I rarely have time anymore to paint. Motherhood, work, being a student, community activities all vie for my time. I also know the minute I get out my paints, my 2 year old will think it's open season!

At the fair this year. The guitar and the man with the hat are mine. The flowers are my sister's.

So I want to try a new idea here. My creative juices have been flowing lately and I have no outlet. So you will be my outlet, blog readers! I'm going to paint with my words.

If I could paint right now, I would paint in bold, sensual strokes. Curves and slashes would compete for canvas. Passion would leap off the page in a woman's shape dancing, a tree blowing in the wind. I would paint in warm hues of royal purple and autumn oranges and yellows. If I could paint right now, I'd paint a roaring fire in the cold of winter. The bright yellow and orange and red leaping out of the fire with black accents. I'd paint the ice blue cold of winter all around it held at bay with a halo of white around the flames. Perhaps some low hanging ice-covered branches. I want to paint of passion and warm comfort from the cold of life. I want to paint of sensuous desire and hunger for life in all its facets. I want to paint to keep the cold of unfulfillment out of my life.

Do you see it? What would you paint? Perhaps you've never held a brush? I encourage you to try it sometime and let go of any notions of what you "should" paint. You might be surprised what comes out. If you're intimidated by physical paints, paint with your words, with your mind. Think of what it is you would lay on canvas and what it means to you.

Surprises in the Mundane

I had an interesting lunch today.

I took my barely touched and reheated meal from my Tuesday lunch meeting with me to the park. I parked my car and ate while reading my Administrative Law book. This is all normal.

After I finished eating and came to a good stopping point in my reading, I pulled out my iPhone. This is also normal. For some reason, I decided to see if I had any voice memos. I did! My two-year old son had recorded a surprise recording months ago. Few things are cuter than the babblings of an almost two-year old who doesn't know he's being recorded. It was a nice surprise for this stressed, often guilt-ridden mommy.

Then I got out of my car to take a walk around the park. I also do this often. As I walked, I revelled in the cool, brisk early Fall air and the crunch of leaves underfoot (I adore the feel and sound of a leaf crunching under my foot...always have and no idea why!). It was a small but sweet gift.

As I continued my walk, I crossed paths with an older man walking an adorable dog. He was wearing a Vietnam Vet hat. I don't know if it was the dog, the man's kind eyes, or the hat but I wasn't the least bit intimidated by this man. I smiled, removed an ear bud and told him simply, "Happy Veteran's Day. Thank you." He said, "You're welcome" with a hint of surprise. I don't know but I think it did my soul more good than his. I am thankful for the opportunity to thank a stranger for a gift given before my birth.

On the opposite side of the park, I heard the tinkling laughter of small children. There is a church daycare directly opposite of the park. The children playing at this time of day are normally around my son's age and a little bit older. I watched their little heads bobbing over the fence as they ran in circles. For several years, I felt nothing but pain, envy, and loss as I watched children there. I still miss the children I never held but it was a small gift today to feel the joy in their play.

I had time to leisurely stroll today, a gift in itself but it allowed for all this to happen. Such a mundane, normal lunch but with eyes open, I received so much from it.

Don't Back Up

I was sick this week. Not sniffles-and-aches-so-I'm-slower-at-doing-my-usual-thing sick, but can't-do-anything-but-lay-in-bed-with-stomach-bug sick. I was out of commission at work for a day and a half and unfortunately basically out of commission at home as well. Almost the only reading I got done for about 2 days was my romance novels.

These are my guilty pleasures. They have very little, if any, substance. They don't educate me or stimulate my mind. They are candy for my brain. But, oh! how it is nice to immerse myself in a fantasy world for a little while when the day is done.

This week, as I was sick and felt like I would never rise from my bed a whole person again, I finished one book and started another. The first was about an environmental lawyer and a newly corporate lawyer who fall in love and find redeeming qualities in Corporate America after much cynicism and shady dealings of the corporation. Faith is restored in humanity and a wedding is planned (Sorry if I ruined the book for you...that I don't remember the title of). How perfect was this book for me? I scrounged it out of my grandmother's garage and couldn't believe she had held back on me! ;) I really didn't start out to review this book for you, though. The female protagonist in this book is unsure of herself and young though with quite a bit of spunk. She fears the bad guy though and runs to safety (after flinging hot soup in his face hehe I'm NOT making this up!).

The second book I'm barely into but so far it's about a native Hawaiian woman, pre-white man. She is abducted and taken to England where her white grandmother (her father was an exiled wealthy British man) adopts her. I don't know much more than that yet. However, the girl's reaction to danger struck me. The author makes a point of elucidating the girl's thoughts when she is first confronted by her abductor. I wish I had the book in front of me so I could quote it exactly. The girl is afraid of and intimidated by the man but she makes a conscious decision to not back up when he threatens her. She holds her ground and doesn't show her fear. This is so elemental but it was groundbreaking for me.

When faced with danger, threat, intimidation, she does not back up. The modern day attorney flees danger but the half native girl stands her ground. My instinct when faced with a danger, be it physical, mental or emotional, is to back up...to retreat even if only a step. And maybe I throw my hot soup in the face of my predator to distract so I can beat a hasty retreat. But it never occurs to me that the very thing my metaphorical or even real foe desires is to scare and intimidate me. Now, I realize there is reality and there is a time when it is wise for anyone to run and seek protection. However, I have been thinking lately (as anyone who has read my previous posts knows) about the fear women instinctively harbor. I think part of this power is one we women give...by backing up. I think it's true in physical situations (such as my encounters with people in a well-lit, active park in the middle of the day) and in societal situations (such as the small number of female politicians who are leaders in today's situation). If we don't allow them the ground, the power, they can't have it.

(I must note I do take issue with the fact that the authors of these two books show obvious discrimination not only against women in exploiting this fear but also in the characterization of native people in both books (the first novel involved a Native American male protagonist). Unfortunately, both are common in this genre and especially in older novels (one was printed circa 1970s and the other 90s).)

So I think one of the keys to unlock this puzzle is don't back up. And teach any young girls in your life the same-be they daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, students or friends. I'm not condoning putting them in danger. But I AM condoning teaching them the same thing we teach our boys: You have a right to stand exactly where you are. You have a right to occupy the space you are in (mentally and physically) and you don't have to yield it to someone else because they demand it. Come to think of it, with all the bullying going on and the tragic consequences, maybe we need to teach this to the boys more too! And while we're at it, let's teach ourselves and our youth that it's not acceptable to demand another person yield their personal mental, emotional, or physical space. This world would be a much nicer, and more equal, place if we all learned that elemental lesson.

Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down.*

*I would credit that phrase if I knew to whom to credit it (if you know, please let me know).


I have been thinking for a few days that I should post a blog and not lose momentum. Especially leading up to the midterm elections, my passion and fire was up and I was blogging more frequently. I knew, though, that I was feeling a bit letdown, hopeless, disillusioned after the election. So I want to blog to "not let the turkeys get you down."

When I was a child, my dad had this mug:

Everyone thought it was hilarious! And I really hate to admit this still, but I'm still not sure why. Maybe it's just the literal imagery? Maybe it was political (with the elephant) but I'm unsure what the political beliefs were in my childhood home (I suspect they've changed as the family dynamic changed).

But I've thought of this quote, of this idea as I've thought of what to blog. We can't let the turkeys or the Republicans or the naysayers or whoever get us down!

If anyone hasn't caught on yet, I'm a Democrat. I'm proud of that and I honestly believe that the ideas behind the Democratic platform are those most closely aligned with things I believe even more deeply such as treating all people with respect and helping those less fortunate than you. But even if you aren't a Democrat, don't let your turkeys get you down.

What has really changed this week for me personally. Nothing. I still believe the same things, I still want the same things, I just can't rely on the same methods to get them. So maybe a change of strategy is in order, maybe a change of timetable. But I need to remember that the environment is still suffering so my "green" efforts and my vegetarianism are still valid choices. There are also still hungry, poor, unhealthy, discriminated against people out there. And I still want them to have an equal chance in this world.

I do have some personal turkeys, too. I won't go into them here, but they exist. You do too, I'm sure of it. But we can't let them get us down. We can't let our hopes be dashed, our passions be dimmed, our desires be squelched. So I hope that you (and I) can carry in our heads the image of that elephant (lol maybe it should be a donkey for me?) in our heads this week (and this month and even the next few years) and not let our own personal turkeys get us down.

Living the Green Life

I really really try to live a greener life. In my family we say (and we actually borrowed this from my way greener cousin and his family) that we are being kind to the Earth. My husband and I try to teach our kids that we are kind to everyone, including the Earth.

There are a LOT of "green" products out there. Some of them more authentically environmentally friendly than others. But some of them, some of them are like little green luxuries to me! I drool over the websites or over product reviews that other people have done online. I think "maybe someone will give me that for Christmas". Because really I could just rewash my plastic baggies rather than buying pretty cloth baggies. Or I could just live with my yucky old Sigg (the kind WITH BPA...thanks) instead of wanting a new schmancy one. Or continue carrying my Dollar Tree canvas bag for a lunch tote rather than a schmancy lunch kit.

But I WANT these other things. So I'm entering a contest for them. I know, I could just stop being cheap or whatever and buy them. But it's also more fun to win them. You can try too if you want. (Though really, if I encourage you to enter does it make me less likely to win??? We'll pretend I didn't have that selfish thought lol.) And because I have to for an entry, I'll also link you to this website. But really it's a cool website anyway and I'm secretly now cyber-stalking the blog of the woman who started it just today!

Wishing

How much of our lives do we spend wishing? I think for me, a lot more than I'd care to admit!!
We wish we had more money. Or that we were skinnier. Or that someone else would make dinner. Or that someone would read your mind and magically do exactly what you wanted all along. Or that you had a better/different job. The truth is much of this is within our reach without magic-just a little elbow grease (mind grease?) needed! Ok, the exception would be the person magically reading your mind but you could, uh, tell them.

I've been wishing a lot. I was reading a blog by a woman I really really admire today. I used to read her stuff religiously and just yesterday found her again. She is amazing and I want to be her. And I found myself wishing. Wishing I could write like her. Wishing I had a writing career like her (who knew my desire to write would re-rear it's ugly head in the form of blogging??). Wishing I lived in a community where my crunchy ways would be more accepted. Wishing I could mother more like her in a more conscious, present way (for all her grousing-she's an amazing mom, I think!).

But this really isn't just a post about how amazing Catherine Newman is. You can get something out of it even if you're not a fan of hers or even a mother of a preschooler! I realized in all my wishing, that I wasn't DOing! So I logged in here and hopefully you are now benefitting. But it's about more than just pushing a blog on unsuspecting readers because I secretly long to be a writer. It's voting because you wish the political system was different. It's going to school because you wish you could get a better job and make a difference (can I tell you? I feel brave every time I remember I'm in college at 30!). It's about seizing the moment and believing.

Big journeys begin with a single step.
Opportunity knocks on your door every day-answer it.
I taped the Big Journey one on as I was signing up to go back to college.
(Taking this picture made me realize how very much I need to clean my calculator at work!)

Sometimes, I'm AWFUL at this! OK, most of the time, I'm awful at this. But I'm trying. And I try to catch these moments and take just one step toward DOing rather than WISHing. Won't you join me?

I Adore Being a Girl (Most of the Time)

I find myself being very thoughtful and introspective this morning. Maybe it's just Monday morning. Maybe it's the inspirational blogs I've been reading (Here is one I find a lot of inspiration from). Maybe it's just me! Who knows! But here is the biggest thought I've had that I want to share this morning: I struggle with being a girl.

I love being female most of the time. I definitely wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm a mother and I have a special bond with my kids I wouldn't have if I were their father (that's a different special bond). I enjoy fashion and makeup and hair and gossiping and all the girliness a person can handle! But there is a lot I don't love, too.

There are the obvious physical drawbacks I won't go into. But you just don't know if you're male. But today I'm struggling with the psychological drawbacks-both self imposed and imposed by the outside world.

This morning, I had a phone conversation at work with a broker who was less than accommodating. He couldn't get my name right and then acted like I had no clue what I was talking about when I tried to verify information. I'm sure men have frustrating conversations like this with other men but it takes on a new level of frustration when the man talks down to the woman. In talking about this conversation with the person for whom the message was intended (also a female), we hit on the topic of undesired nicknames like "sweetie".

I despise being called terms of endearment by strangers. But I especially despise it from a male stranger. It drips condescension and disdain. If I do not know you well enough to hug you, you probably shouldn't call me "sweetie." One of the reasons this is particularly galling is because you just don't encounter men calling men they just met "sweetie", "darling", "honey", or any other unsolicited term of endearment. You might as well say to me, "I don't take you seriously because you are female." If you know me at all, you know that's not a good idea.

This uncomfortable feeling I get from being called unsolicited terms of endearment is both self-imposed and pressed on me from others. And would a male just "let it go" if another male called them something they didn't appreciate? Probably not. Do I not confront them because I lack assertiveness as a personality trait or because I was raised to be a "lady"? Do I feel they are condescending because they truly are (often the case) or because I've been condescended to too many times?

I recently had an experience in one of my university classes where the professor is (perhaps subconsciously?) favoring the males in the class. Many students in my classes are in the emergency services field which is often dominated by males. I find that I'm sometimes the only female in a class. This particular class actually has several women but our responses seem to be glossed over in favor of those made by the males. Perhaps this is in our perceptions (it's been confirmed to me by another female in the class). Perhaps it's not intentional. Perhaps the males make more assertive statements. Perhaps we females are too quick to back down. It's frustrating no matter the reason.

I've been thinking for months now about the innate fear females are either born with or are taught from an early age. My daughter already displays it. It is shying away from someone at your own front door because you don't know them (especially if they're male). It is walking more quickly by a strange man in broad daylight with no apparent threat. It is the unwillingness to walk outside alone in the dark any more than necessary. It is born of necessity as the typically smaller and less physically strong sex. But it is also encouraged by our society at every turn.

I have big dreams. I long to make a difference in this world with my career and my life. Many of these dreams would be easier for a male to achieve. Many of them would be scoffed at if I shared them....but not as much for a male. I will encounter challenges in my job, in school, and socially because I am a woman. While I adore being a woman, I would like for one day to know the advantages of being a man!

Conscious Living

I stumbled upon some terminology that I really feel like fits my new-found outlook on life. Conscious living. As in, not mindlessly doing what has always been done. I choose to look at the decisions before me and weigh my options and choose which works best for me and my family. I'm not perfect at it but it's what I'm striving for.

Here's some ways I choose to live more consciously:

I'm a vegetarian. Do I really need meat? Can I be healthy or even healthier without it. My answer was yes and I LOVE it...this was a recent decision.

I'm a Democrat. Where I live, this is the D-word. I never cared about politics till my husband made me pay attention. And then I got mad. For me the questions were: Do I feel more strongly about how much money is in the coffers nationally than about the starving family down the street? Do I WANT to take away rights from people just because they see love differently than I? Do I believe that sending troops in with guns blazing is the way to solve problems? Do I believe our world is managing just fine or that she is sick and in dire need of our care and attention? Do I care more about a company's right to make a profit than I do things like making sure you can get help if you're sick? Do I care more about what you call it (socialism) or what I believe it is (loving your neighbor)?

We don't spank and we practice mostly what some people call attachment parenting. Do I want to hit my child? Does it help to hit my child? What am I teaching him if I hit him every time he behaves contrary to my desires? What kind of problem solving skills will this teach him? How did I feel when my parents spanked me? Do I want to treat my child with respect or force? Do I want him to feel loved and respected or fear me? Do I want to listen to him cry while my heart breaks or do what I naturally want to do and pick him up and comfort him? Why do I have to stop breastfeeding at 12 months?

I want to work in public service somehow. Why do I have to sit at a desk and do what will make the most money and save what I REALLY want to do (help people and change "the world") for the weekend?

I live a somewhat non traditional, non status quo life. And I like it that way. I like to look at what I choose to do with this one life and decide if it makes my soul hum or if I'm doing it just because it's the way things are done. I choose to live consciously.

The Acumen Fund, Social Capitalism and other random thoughts

Wow! I just heard a podcast on one of my favorite programs, Speaking of Faith with Krista Tippett (they're changing the name /focus soon, though). It was about a new venture called The Acumen Fund which was founded by Jacqueline Novogratz. I can't begin to explain it in a way that would do it justice so if you're interested, go here:http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/programs/2010/different-kind-of-capitalism-2/index.shtml

However, I have to tell you a little bit about it! It is a program that invests in entreprenuers who are in their own ways, making the world a "better place". It's social conscience meets making a profit. I love it! I love that it combines the desire to work and produce something new (the entrepreneurs) with the desire to give back to communities!

It really made me think, too. It made me think about the disparity between the poor and the rich. It made me think about that I *am* the elite Jacqueline references. When is the last time you even thought about the fact that you have clean, running water any time you want it? When was the last time you *really* worried if you would be able to pay for that water!?

It made me think about the people in Haiti who are complaining about the free healthcare they're receiving from NGOs (seems they're going to put the existent healthcare providers out of business). It made me think about the Jamaicans who are struggling to farm but cannot compete with American farmers with their capital and their machinery.

These topics all seem related to me. What is the best way to help these different groups? Is it to fly our best charitable workers to them and do the work for them? Is it to throw money at them? Is it to take over the industries they can't succeed at because we can do it more efficiently? I think none of these approaches are really working. They're what we're trying and we've just been spinning our wheels.

But I like this approach The Acumen Fund is modelling. I like the idea of somehow merging (despite my criticism of co-optation) the private and public sectors. Can we teach people to fish while also giving them some fish? I think so! It makes my head swirl with interesting thoughts. If anyone is reading this, please feel free to add your own thoughts!! (P.S. It also could be I just listen to much public radio! HA!)

I'mmmm Coming Out...so we better get this party started!

HA! I hope Pink doesn't mind the lift of lyrics!
I came out this last weekend. Nope, I'm not gay. I'm happily married to a man. But I AM a Democrat. I live in an area where that is just about the same thing...and not in a good way...and Heaven help you if you're both gay and a Democrat!
My friends and family and people who have taken more than 15-30 minutes to learn anything about me already know my political affiliation. It doesn't take much to figure out. I talk about saving the environment, I have feminist leanings, I believe government can help people (and should!), and well, around here, I'm different.
But Saturday, I came out. I went to my first public event that was outwardly Democratic. It wasn't just a "save the environment" event or an Earth Day festival, it was a Democratic Rally. And I didn't just attend, I volunteered!
It was great...I was hot and dehydrated and worn out and sore by the end of the day but I felt like I was contributing to "the cause". I carried chairs, put up banners, made drinks, put out tables and covered them with tablecloths, "(wo)manned" the bouncy house and talked to people who actually think remotely similarly to me on the issues of the day!
I'm not crazy about our highest level candidate this year, a gubernatorial candidate, BUT I'm even less crazy about the Republican incumbent (and perhaps I'll blog about why one of these days). He really does have my vote just because he's not the other guy. Not that I think he'll get elected. The region I live in hasn't had any electoral votes in ANY election for ANY Democrat in....a really long time!!
I'm excited about taking actions for what I believe in. I'm excited about meeting people who think we can change things for the better the same way I do. I'm excited about taking some baby steps toward some long term goals.
They liked me, too, I think. The area headquarters has asked me to take over as the Secretary. I told them I'm interested but I need to attend a meeting or two and see if I can spare the time first! I'm crazy though because I really want to do it...along with work, school, mommyhood, etc.
So I'm out now....and very glad about it! Now, let's get this "party" started!!

Women....can't live without em...

I'm a feminist. But I'm not a man-hater or anything like that. I think people hear the word, "feminist" and get immediately turned off by the hard-core, man-hating, butch mental image it invokes for many. I guess that was the feminist of the '80s or something. I'm of the persuasion of wanting to be treated equally...of finding a way to embrace your ambitions and career while also remaining tenderly dedicated to your family. I feel like men should be able to embrace both better as well. I guess I'm more concerned with equality between the sexes but since I am female and since I think there's probably a lot more of an uphill battle for women, it makes sense to call me a feminist.

I've been reading a book about Eleanor Roosevelt. No, that was not a massive subject jump-just keep reading (does anybody read this?). That was one incredible woman. She was a feminist but she would be horrified to be called one! She was an early master of the technique of using her femininity (but not sex appeal-very different things and poor Eleanor was NOT sexy) to her advantage in many aspects of her life. She also used it for good not evil. She was a champion of so many causes and was so influential to one of our most influential and legislatively prolific presidents. We have her to thank (in part) for Social Security, the WPA, getting out of the Depression, and the list goes on!

As I read this book about such a turning point in American history, I can't help but draw parallels to our current condition. There are the coinciding crises and the initiation of practices now in question as I touched on in my last entry on cooptation but there is more. Louis Howe, a good friend of the Roosevelts and a close advisor to FDR, is quoted in this book as predicting a female president within a decade if the country continues in a "humanitarian" course. I'm not sure if we didn't continue in such a course or if Mr. Howe was just overly optimistic. But as I read about all that Mrs. Roosevelt did for our country and for the female gender within this country, I can't help but think of Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi...or yes, of Sarah Palin. None of these women could even hope to hold the positions they have or will have without the work done by Eleanor Roosevelt and her contemporaries. And I think of myself and all I desire to do in my life. She was in her early 50s during the time she really began to aggressively serve our country in many ways. She started her "public career" much earlier and continued to the end of her life but the time we all seem to think of is when she was in her 50s. This is a comfort to me as I fret over not even being able to attend law school until I'm somewhere approaching 40 (or maybe having arrived at 40!). I can't even hope to contribute as much as she but I hope to contribute something.

There's something else that's been on my mind about women-and it's far less pleasant on which to dwell! Fear.

I walk around a local park at lunch most workdays. I'm trying to fit some fitness into a crazy, hectic schedule and this is an opportune time. It's in a well populated area (a church with a daycare directly across the street and a few social service buildings nearby as well) and there are always plenty of people around. I don't actually feel threatened or logically think something will happen to me while walking around this public place. However, there are times when I pass a lone man or a group of people and I feel fear. As a woman, I have felt it many times in my life. I know that even the bravest, most confident woman knows what I'm talking about. There is a vulnerability unique to our gender of which we must remain hyper-aware. It often protects us and is often based on instinct. But I don't think men have the same innate fear.

A week or two ago, I was at home alone with my two children. My toddler was down for his nap and my daughter was watching a video while I cleaned. We are in a house that's new to us but in a wonderful neighborhood. While I was occupied, the doorbell rang. My daughter (eight and a half) ran to the door and came back to me saying, "It's some men I don't know." I answered the door to find 3 young men. They asked if we needed our yard mowed. My husband does our yard work so I politely turned them down, making sure to mention that my husband takes care of that. When I went back to my daughter and told her who they were, she told me they had looked scary to her. I realized that I had felt a moment of fear also and that I had made a point of letting them know I am protected by a man. This event made me sad. It made me sad that my eight year old daughter already knows this fear. It made me sad that even in a nice neighborhood and a safe house, I had feared these males younger than I. It made me sad that I felt I needed to hide behind the protection of a male. I realize my daughter is safer for being aware of not talking to strangers and for recognizing her own instinctual reactions to potential threats. I realize I'm safer for it as well. But it frustrates me a great deal to realize that in this, I am indeed the "weaker sex"! I don't want to raise my daughter in fear but it seems to be a necessity. I work on my own fear daily and try to find the balance between heeding it and maintaining my own confidence.

It is a challenge to be a woman in today's society. But it is a challenge I face with excitement and determination. I will succeed in spite of (or maybe because of) my gender. I will raise an empowered young woman and a young man and woman who do not step on the hand of anyone but are respectful of all regardless of age, gender, race, religion or ability!

Cooptation

Cooptation. Ever heard of it? I'm sure you have-just not under that name. It's the concept of the public and private sectors freely sharing responsibilities and employees. It's the former Wall Street CEO becoming the Chairman of the Fed. It's the airline regulator going to work for a major airline company. It's NASA hiring Boeing to manufacture shuttle parts. (Side note-I know the first one is true, the other 2 are examples that are close to life but totally made up and unresearched. If they're true, it's coincidental!)

I've been thinking a lot about cooptation lately (wow! what does that say about me!?!). I really understand the thinking behind it. There are only a limited number of experts in a given field and undoubtedly both the private and public sectors want to utilize them. Sometimes this means the private firm wants to hire away the expert who has thus far worked for the government. Sometimes this means the government wants to use the private sector's expertise to carry out programs for them. There are lots of variations of these situations but I think the the original premise remains the same. However, I also see lots of problems with cooptation-or at least potential problems.

One problem I see is motivation. Everyone has motivation for doing what they do. That motivation could be paying your mortgage or having a million dollar house. It could be fame (or notoriety) or it could be the satisfaction of helping your neighbor. It could be knowing your natural talents are well utilized or expressing something within yourself to others. It could even be increasing awareness of a cause or issue you're passionate about. I find that motivation strongly influences what sector you work in. People in the private sector GENERALLY are motivated by money, fame, greed, just paying the bills or sometimes utilizing their talents. By contrast, people in the public sector GENERALLY are motivated by a desire to help others, advancing a cause, or utilizing their talents for the greater good. This is a gross generalization but it IS perpetuated by the contrast in pay and benefits between the two sectors. You're realistically much more likely to get rich in the private sector so you have a greater need of a deeper motivation to work in the public sector. (Side note: This is a contrast in intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. Yes, Uncle Sam, your dollars are going to good use...I am learning something in school!) One is not necessarily better than the other. It's just a difference I find significant in this conversation.

If you are intrinsically (greater good) motivated and you decide you want to leave your job as a regulator to work for the people you've been regulating, are you still serving the greater good? Or has your motivation changed? Maybe the regulating job just wasn't paying you enough to pay your bills and the new job can offer more. Maybe you were in the wrong job to begin with. If you are extrinsically (in it for the cash) motivated and you move from a job on Wall Street to a job at the Fed, can you handle the cut in pay or are you suddenly more motivated to help people? I think the danger here is that people who move FROM the private sector to the public sector are still mostly motivated by money and fame-not helping the American people. The people who are wooed from their job in the public sector to work in the private sector were likely in the wrong sector to begin with OR were working there until they could move to private employment (which also might involve the promise of a job later on...thus influencing their public sector job in favor of the private employer they're supposedly policing).

Another issue within this concept I've been thinking about is what someone from the private sector can offer the public sector. I have an odd fascination with both FDR (and Eleanor Roosevelt) and the Kennedy family. Joe Kennedy's (the father of JFK) first influential position was as the first chairman of the SEC. When the stock market crashed, Kennedy was interestingly not effected negatively. He had been a part of the manipulation and calculation which had brought the thing down! FDR purposefully hired an "inside man" to reform the financial system. Who better to understand what is wrong with the system than someone who helped corrupt it? This was perhaps one of the early examples of cooptation and from my understanding something in which FDR was a pioneer. It worked and was a good move. Kennedy got out after a few years and laid some important groundwork. It advanced his public career (which was undoubtedly extrinsically motivated in that he desired to be famous and ultimately, the president...which of course was later fulfilled in his son) as well. But how many of us would be comfortable today with a Wall Street insider running the SEC? Well, it's what we have in many government agencies but we frequently grouse about it. I think the grousing is justified and this example catches my mind because it worked so well but I think it set a dangerous precedent.

What do you think? Is cooptation a dangerous practice or a positive working relationship between public and private sectors?

First Time for Everything!

So I experienced a first today. Well, perhaps it's not actually a first, but it's the first time this something has happened to me and I can clearly point to it and recognize it!

I started work on a big, complicated, much needed project a few years ago at work. I volunteered to take the project on and put A LOT of work into it. I got a professional (albeit freelancer I had a personal relationship with as well) involved, the project was quoted and a little bit of work was even done on the project. I have tons of emails and documents on the subject. I researched it. I made phone calls. The project stalled out sometime last year when I sent a working proof to my boss and never heard back. She has even acknowledged receipt of it and that it's waiting for her feedback. Today, I got an email from same boss asking for more information on the project to give to another colleague at our company who is taking it over.

So the project that I put HOURS into is now being taken over by someone else in my firm. The professional we "hired" long ago gave up hope of taking the project to fruition and is now no longer even part of my personal life (for separate, unrelated reasons). I have yet to give very much information to the colleague who took the project over but I have provided what has been asked. I'm sure my ideas will not be used but my research and such will.

How frustrating! It seems a bit traitorous, counterproductive, and unprofessional to take work away from one person and give it to their colleague. To be fair to my superiors, I don't think they intentionally did it or perhaps even see it that way. But that is the essence of the situation. I don't currently have time to do the project myself right now (and no longer have the help of a professional) anyway. It's frustrating nonetheless. I've always read about this sort of thing happening in business; I've even seen it in the movies! But it's the first clear time it's happened to me!

Silly Insurance Companies

I mentioned previously that I'm the Plan Administrator for my work's health insurance. Part of that job means I receive emails from the health insurance company. Recently, they sent me an email telling me they would be making changes to their prescription coverage soon and offering me the opportunity to attend a webinar regarding this change. I went ahead and signed up since it's free and more information couldn't hurt, right?

There could not be a drier webinar out there! Wow! And more pointedly than that, it seemed to me to have an ulterior motive. The entire presentation was focused on why the changes were made. Not in a helpful, informative way but in a defensive, we-swear-we're-not-in-bed-with-the-drug-companies way. It could be me and my cynicism (when did I develop that!?)and beliefs on the subject, admittedly. However, it seems like 5 slides detailing why this drug is paid over that drug is excessive. I honestly couldn't tell you much more about the webinar because at a certain point I decided I had better things to do with my time.

I definitely think this webinar was a marketing ploy by the large health insurance company to try make clients (whether that's employers or the insured or both) believe they are really looking out for their best interests and not the monsters the media and government are making them out to be lately. I don't buy it. I fully recognize there are more problems with our system than just the big, greedy health insurance companies. But it sure is a good place to start!

Health Insurance (Yes, I'm going there)

I'm frustrated about health insurance today. I have a somewhat unique perspective on the issue. I have a pre-existing condition (chronic asthma) and I am the health insurance administrator for my employer. So I see the issue from the sick person's perspective and from the employer's perspective.

Here's a scenario playing out all over the country this month, last month, many times every month:

It's renewal time for a company's insurance policy. Rates went up. I know that's a shocker considering the recent media coverage of skyrocketing premiums. Company owners and managers everywhere are experiencing a rise in blood pressure. One of the first reactions of many of these bosses is to question if they even have to offer health insurance. After year after year of increasing premiums, they want to get off the train to nowhere. Can't we just pay our employees more and ask them to get their own insurance? There is never any requirement for a company to provide health insurance (for now). Giving them money and asking them to find individual insurance would put people like me in a bad place personally because of pre-existing conditions or family members with pre-exes.

So the long and short, ladies and gentleman (that's assuming any people read this!), is, if the boss cancels health insurance, people like me, everywhere, are screwed! As if unemployment rates and a recession aren't enough to deal with.

I wanted to cry this morning. Thinking about the situations like this and my own precarious one.These business owners know "something has to change." I'm unashamedly a Democrat. I very much want health insurance reform. After today, I demand it. But politics aside, how can many of these businessmen with one breath agree with at least the spirit of health care reform and in the next ridicule it? I understand that maybe they don't agree with how Obama is going about getting reform. I understand that maybe they think the measures aren't the way to do it. I understand that they (like many Republicans) are scared of how much money it will cost our nation. But they stare at renewal forms with exorbitant rates and still can't see the need for change? I feel that the Republicans as a group don't want health insurance not because they don't care about the issue or the people it affects. I feel their political hatred (yes, hatred) has blinded them to what the Democrats are trying to do, in theory if nothing else. They want to stop Democrats so badly that they forget it means stopping a clear chance at changing this broken system. At changing a situation where a couple can be gainfully employed and have no option to insure themselves and their children with the knowledge that one big unexpected medical event could put them into long term debt. And, sadly, that's probably the most benign of the problems created by our system.

It's time to put aside our labels and decide that we no longer want the insurance companies to put each and every one of us over a barrel. It's time to stand up for the guy who lives next to you who has cancer and can choose to pay his electric bill or his chemotherapy bill because he can't work and he can't afford to pay COBRA prices and he can't get individual coverage. It's time to stand up for yourself and the person next to you because that's what Americans do! We look out for each other. We're not always good at it and sometimes we forget. But let's remember. Let's work together and find a solution! The fighting is getting us nowhere and frankly, it's heartless.

One of the solutions proposed is to make it so that people have to choose which procedures and/or tests are preformed based on cost. Let's think about that for a moment. Arbitrary medical services are never good. BUT, are you really asking us to consider if we REALLY need open heart surgery because it costs so much? Wouldn't medication be cheaper? So what if I suffer from a long list of side effects and still die in a few years! At least I can afford my car payment! SERIOUSLY? If it was your child, Mr. Congressman, Ms. Pundit, would that be your choice for them? Would you ask them not to consider the procedure or test based on what they medically need but on the cost? That is utterly ridiculous.

I have my own thoughts on how to fix the system. But you don't want to hear them. All I want to tell you is that I am ashamed (yes, I said it!) of my country right now. I'm ashamed of the people who cannot get over their own selfish ambitions or desire for profit enough to find a way that every person in this country can live with as little pain and as long as possible. Because we're not talking here about who will be elected this year or next or the next. We're talking about how long Joe will live or how long Suzy has to suffer with horrible pain. We're talking about the difference between John making it to his 12th birthday or Grandpa being there to see the baby take his first steps. I hope the lawmakers and insurance companies find a way to realize that TODAY and put an end to all this!

Sometimes People Worry Me

Sometimes I listen to podcasts of radio shows at work. OK, pretty much all the time, I listen to podcasts at work. It's usually NPR shows but occasionally I throw in a New York radio show my coworker recommended to me. Today they were discussing the controversial trial of Kahlid Shaikh Mohammed in New York City. The show is based in NYC and the people were speaking against the trial being held there. One of the DJs said Mohammed shouldn't have the same rights as "us" (to a fair trial). "Us" was understood to mean American citizens. Why does he not deserve the same rights as us? Because he was not born on American soil or because he committed a heinous crime? Are we going to start judging if Americans should have a fair trial according to the seriousness of the crime? I thought that the rights Americans are given were-at least theoretically-God-given to ALL people everywhere!
Sometimes I worry about the compassion of my fellow Americans.

Art is Life

So I mentioned that I'm an amateur artist. I deal primarily with acrylic on canvas but I also have been known to do charcoals and sculpting. I even started branching out this summer with some apparel type art. I have a goal to produce more and sell it on Etsy.com. Today I also found a local store where I think my art apparel would be a perfect fit! To date, I've only made it for my family, though. My poor family is my guinea pig frequently!


The prospect of selling some of my work and branching out excites me! I have been getting increasingly more involved in a sub-culture in my city recently that I enjoy a lot! I'm getting more and more into the "natural" movement. I won't bore you with the changes I've made in my home at this time, but I'm glad I have made them. I'm also getting interested in re-using things. So I've been thinking more about making art out of other objects. Sort of a repurposing. It's better for the environment, makes me feel better about what I'm producing, and it's more economical for me AND the people buying it! If that's not good business sense, I'm not sure what is! In addition, it's becoming quite a trend!

I'm enjoying this forward momentum I have going on-now if I can only find the time to cash in on it!!

Life As Theory

I suppose the best place to start a blog is in the beginning, with an introduction. My name is Karen. I'm a mother, a wife, an employee, and a student. I have a 16 month old son, I've been married to his father for five years this April, I am an IRS Section 125 Cafeteria Plan Manager for a Third Party Administrator, and I am a Junior Public Administration major at a local university in my "spare" time. I'm also an amateur artist.

In the last year or two, I've been getting more involved with my industry, more interested in politics, and I've started putting myself out there with my art a bit. I decided a blog in which I could muse on these subjects and also share some of my ideas would be a good outlet for me.

I'm currently enrolled in a class called Organizational Behavior Theory. It's a study of behavior within organizations. Why people act they way they do and what can be done about it. It's very management oriented and very abstract in concept. This is not a class where they give you x and y and ask you to find z. It's more like they give you all 26 letters in the alphabet, tell you that the organization is having trouble finding the right words and which words they've tried-and then ask you to propose some words!

I hope to do something similar with my blog. To take a concept I've heard in the radio or seen on TV and analyze and look at it. To take an issue at work (without divulging too much of course!) and look at WHY it happened and if there's anything I can do about it. I also hope I can live out some of my ideas, some of my theories.I hope to learn some and maybe share some wisdom. I hope to have some readers but if not at least I can learn a little more in my life as theory.