I nearly cried when the doctor left the room. Did she think I hadn't noticed I weigh quite a bit more than when I was in high school or when I met my husband? Did she think I hadn't noticed my once pristine skin is now bumpy with acne scars and current pimples? Did she think I don't look in the mirror and ache seeing the woman stare back at me?Do you have an exercise plan? Yes, I ran my first 5k last fall. Then you need to watch your diet more. You are a pretty girl now that your acne is clearing up.
This was not a warning that my blood pressure is too high (it's not) or that my heart is not doing well (I have no symptoms of heart trouble) or that I'm at risk for Type II Diabetes (I haven't been tested for this but have no symptoms). I
I wallowed in my self-loathing in that exam room. And then I got mad. This was not about my health. This was about appearances. What may have even made it more appalling was that it came from a woman. She was perpetuating body issues women have been forcing on ourselves and each other for generations.
I know what people think when they look at me. I know that the assumption is that I am this weight because I am not committed enough or diligent enough or capable of working hard enough to get skinny. The assumption is that I got this way from overindulging myself and not knowing how to say "no" to another helping of cake/pie/pizza.
I am committed and diligent enough to complete a college degree while working full time and raising a small child. I am capable of working hard enough to maintain a 4.0 in graduate school while raising said child and still working full time.
I got this way mostly from eating out of grief. When my heart was ripped out when my two babies died in my womb before I had a chance to know them....I ate. When I got pregnant and then miscarried, then prayed and hoped for almost a year before getting pregnant again and miscarrying again and then waited another 11 months before finally getting pregnant again and staying that way the normal time period....I ate. I ate once every hour for 9 months so I wouldn't throw up and get dehydrated. I lost all the weight gained while pregnant shortly after my son was born (through the miracle of breastfeeding), but the grief weight has lingered. I carry my lost babies in my heart and mind daily still. And I carry the reminder in my body...but you don't know that when you look at me. You only know me as part of the obesity epidemic.
I know that "food deserts" and the "obesity epidemic" and "childhood obesity" are all very real problems in our culture. I know that we deep fry everything and fill it all with high fructose corn syrup. I know that our eating habits are deplorable. My eating habits are not what they should be but we do avoid processed foods more than what I suspect the average household does. I am very aware of my food and was a vegetarian for 2 years.
I decided to write this post because I know I'm not alone. I know there are so many other fat women...and men...out there who hurt because of what people assume when they look at them. Maybe a lot of them really are just lazy and unmotivated and overindulgent with sweet and fatty foods. But there is so often a bigger story. And there is so often a hurting heart under those layers of fat. I guess I just want us to make one more effort to show kindness to our fellow humans. If only we could all look at each other and just know that this person has struggles just like us and hurts just like us. If only we could forget about what society tells us we need to be pretty and realize that beauty and health come in different packages.
I am still trying to lose weight. I increase the time and distance I
Because for me, the wake up call is to lose the weight and lose the stereotype.
