Thanks...giving.

One of my earliest coherent thoughts this morning (after "Please go back to sleep, baby....it's not even 5 AM yet!" Stupid time change.) was, "I need to write a Thanksgiving blog." I realized that since tomorrow will be devoted to cooking and family, I better do it today!

First, I want to tell you to please read the blog post before this one. I'd really, really like to know if there are any needs out there that you have or know of that I could possibly help with. This spirit of wanting to give has come alive in me and I want to act on it and spread it as much as possible! In that same vein, I really want to do something like this.

What am I thankful for this year?

I am so thankful for my son. He is so much joy to me. There are moments when I want to scream because I'm having to take away the same item from him for the millionth time. Or because he won't stop climbing on the oven door and I'm afraid he'll get hurt (true story). Or because I am so tired I could cry and he won't stop saying "up! up!" to me and my mommy guilt is kicking in. But mostly, and often right after those moments, my heart swells to bursting with love and gratitude. Gratitude that God gave this precious boy to me. He is so amazing. He finds my face in the dark when he's laying in bed with me first thing in the morning (now that he has a "big boy" bed, he comes in and snuggles with us in the morning) and give me kisses. He randomly takes my head in his hands and presses his forehead to mine. Sometimes it's "I love you, Mommy" and sometimes "I'm 'getting' you, Mommy" and either one is wonderful! He holds my hand, he hugs me, he lays on my lap. Mostly he runs around and gets into things but he still needs to check in with me. Because it's a mutual love affair we have going on. My little boy is just love and sweetness and curiosity and joy and spirit all rolled up in one.

I am so thankful for my sweet daughter. She is a special gift. She is beautiful and smart and so compassionate. She loves to help people and especially animals. She wants to do things simply because they're kind to the earth. She loves to snuggle. My heart aches at the thought of her growing up and away from me. I dread the teenage years when she no longer wants to just sit with me. I hope against hope that they will never come and that even through those years, she will be my little girl in her own way. I want SO much for her. I want to put little stickers or shields in the spots in her heart where I got hurt as a young girl...so that she might be spared those hurts. I know that I can't and even if I could, she would only get hurt somewhere else. But oh, this mama's heart longs to protect her! I try to arm her to deal better with the world and with pain instead. But mostly, I want to teach her love and give her love.

I am so thankful for my dear husband. I had no idea what I was in for 7 years ago when I went on a blind date. But I was blessed when I met my Shane. He is kind and generous and funny and talented. He can make me laugh like no one else. He touches me with his desires for the world. He touches me with his willingness to give...even to complete strangers. Seriously, my husband has an incredible heart. I don't always appreciate him like I should but I am so thankful for him.

I am so thankful for my family of origin. I have a mother who can sing like an angel, cook such yummy things (I find comfort there), and give. I just realized some of my giving heart comes from her. I have a (step)father who sees potential in me, who gave me so much for no reason other than his love for my mother and her children, who has lived such an interesting life and from whom I have so much yet to learn. My Pop stepped in and gave me the gift of a father when I had none. For that I am eternally grateful. I have a brother who is a genius (literally) and who is eager and willing to share his knowledge. He has so many layers to him this brother of mine. He is loving and sometimes unsure. He knows so much but forgets sometimes his own worth. He is sincere and genuine...and sometimes that causes him to be vulnerable to pain. I think he is learning to be comfortable with himself and I'm proud of him for that. He and I are similar in that I'm on that journey, too. What a gift to have a big brother!

I had to start a new paragraph for the last member of my family of origin. I am so so thankful for my sister...in the way that you're so much more thankful for what you almost lost. I don't even know how to give you words about her. The need to start a new paragraph mirrors the importance she has always held in my life. She is so fun to laugh with. We love to analyze our own dreams. We discuss the important issues in our lives. We're completely silly together. We love to watch movies together, play video games together, complete puzzles together, shop together...you should pick up on the word "together" by now. I treasure her and I am so thankful for her.

I am so thankful also for my extended family. I have a grandma who is hurting so much right now. But even in that hurt, I see that this beautiful woman is in there. And I see that she raised this incredible family I'm blessed to be part of. I see that anyone who was so loved by a man such as my grandfather can be nothing short of incredible. I see in her the spunk I so admire in book characters...and which I covet. I am so thankful for the nearly 30 years I had my grandfather. I will miss his prayer in a way deeper than I can possibly express tomorrow. I have aunts and uncles and cousins who would knock your socks off. They are incredible people. There has always been a place at the Thanksgiving (or Christmas or Easter or whatever) table for anyone who needs it. We have welcomed friends and strangers over the years. I am so grateful to have this core group of people to tie a tether back to in a world of so much uncertainty. I have in-laws who are so much more than I could have even asked for. They are kind and understanding and open. There is no judgement in their homes. There is always laughter and children running. The sweet faces of my nephews and niece make my heart warm at the thought. I am so grateful for this family my husband has so generously shared with me. And I am so grateful my children can call all these people family.

I have SO much to be grateful for!! I could go on and on and tell you how I really live in the lap of luxury (no, we're not wealthy by American standards but truly, we have SO much). I could tell you how I never have to worry if I'll go hungry or if I can go to school or if I will have a job. I am so spoiled and have so much to be grateful for. But this year, my focus is on the people. How incredibly, undeniably blessed am I to be surrounded with all these people to love? Thank you, God, for this gift of loved ones.

What are you thankful for? I really want to know. What or who makes your heart warm this holiday season?

Turning Outward

Ok so I realize that my posts have been a little self-centered lately. So I want to amend that. I also think the Universe/God/circumstances has been shouting at me lately and waving a giant sign around that says "LOOK at somebody else!!!" So I'm slow to listen, but I'm listening now.

 Yesterday, I stumbled upon this article on MSN.com. It's very much along the lines of what I've been reading on all kinds of blogs (especially this one) about just DOING what it is you want to be doing...rather than, you know, waiting till you win the lottery (or finish college, or your two year old grows up hehe). So, I decided to do my own experiment and post my status on Facebook as "What would you do if you won the lottery?" My friends delivered. The vast majority of them said they would help others (though my favorite remark was by my friend, Ginger, who said "I wouldn't tell a soul..." It should be said Ginger is very kind and giving...and funny hehe). Some restricted their help to family and friends, one said the priority expense would be tithing, and others wanted to help whomever needed it. I'm proud of my friends and family (even Ginger ;) ).

Then today I stumbled upon this blog. This woman is doing some amazing stuff and inspiring some amazing stuff (look at this for more about it). And she talks about the power of this medium, of the internet and blogging and tweeting. It's capable of so much more than keeping people apprised of what we ate for lunch and what strange thing we just saw.

HAHA! I couldn't resist...you know, being a vegetarian and all!

The last few days, I've heard of a man who started a Thanksgiving meal in his community and another this morning. As I walked into work this morning at the unheard of time of 7:30 AM (because Daylight Savings Time is evil and my son has consistently woken up no later than 5 AM since then...), I thought about these people helping others. And that's what this season is about, right? I want to teach my children this....I need to learn more about this. Not so that we can pull out our halos every November. But so that we celebrate the giving and the helping every year so much more than the gifts and the tinsel and the food.

I want to do something this year. My city has a large mission/shelter that serves a Thanksgiving meal so I feel like that need is covered. I want to help where a need is NOT being met. I am going to try using this technology for something larger than expressing selfish epiphanies or hypothetical queries on the complexities of life. I want to ask simply: How can I help? It can be local, it can be not so local. A solution would be helpful but even if I just get comments on what some needs are it's a good start. Maybe if I can't find you a solution, someone else reading can! And don't feel like the problem and/or solution has to be related to the holiday season. Let's see if we can put this blog to work and look outward.

Road Map...or maybe GPS?

I've noticed a trend recently. Every time I ask a person in an interesting career position about how they got there, the answer always seems to be some variation on "things just fell into place".

I had to do 3 interviews for a paper in one of my classes last year. They were to be people in fields that interested me for my career. I want (I think!) to pursue something in non-profit or government at this point. We won't discuss the 30 page term paper I had to write based on those interviews *shudder*. My subjects were: the mayor of the city where I live, the executive director of the local public radio station, and a friend of mine who used to be the director at a local nature center. The mayor and the radio exec (haha I'm sure she would laugh at being called that! Sounds different than her actual job like she should be wearing a powersuit and always barking into a cell phone!) both set out to do completely different things originally. Neither had training, background or education in their fields prior to starting in them (to be fair, our mayor was a city commissioner before becoming mayor so it's not like she had no experience to be a good mayor). My friend, however, did go to school and get a science degree. She was hired on at the nature center and by chance became the director. She is no longer in that position. I recently heard of another person in a high public position in city government who did not set out to even work in government and certainly not as a higher official. He started out as an accountant for the city and pursued education in the field as he went (this is 3rd hand information so my apologies to the official if it's at all inaccurate).

Why is it that all these people "fell" into positions (and management positions at that)? Is it that their age (the 3 who happened into their fields and are still in those positions are 10-20 years older than I and my friend who went to school for her position and whose career is still evolving is my age) indicates how society allowed more "happening" into a position than it does now? Is this still the way it works? Can we plan our careers? Does it ever work out when we try to plan our careers?

I've been thinking about what i want to do next in my work part of my life. Not just where do I want to be employed when I leave my current position...that's not a question I'm asking at this moment. I'm a Senior in college at the close of this semester. I know I want to finish this degree (BA in Public Administration). If I want to pursue government (especially locally), I should probably get my Masters. I don't want to jump immediately into more school when I graduate with my BA. I eventually would like to go to law school but that has to wait till we can leave our city as we don't have one here. If I want to pursue non-profit, what aspect? Do I want to concentrate on my pet issues (the environment, women's rights, Liberal ideas)? Do I want to just get my foot in the door and go from there? I've even toyed with the idea of starting my own business that works with non-profits...sort of an entrepreneurial NGO.

But is the education or the pursuit of one path pointless? Will fate/circumstances guide my path? What's my responsibility in the process? Just keep my eyes open or make decisions and be open to changing them? Or both?

I have a lot more questions than answers today! I wish I had a map to show me where to turn to get to which destination. I wish I had a phone book of people who I could get information from to make this decision. If you think you have information that would help, please let me know! Is this common for my generation or just a late bloomer like myself? Are you struggling with similar decisions? It would be nice if we can all find the answers together!

Clean Slate

Do you ever just want to swipe everything off the table with your arm like they do in the movies? Not so much to hop up there and have sex but more out of frustration. Everything on the table just piles up and makes a mess until it's just too much.

I'm feeling that way these days. I'm not going to go into all the ugly details. Suffice it to say that some of it is serious and some of it is trivial. But I have a strong urge to just swipe the table clean with my arm and start all over. I'm just so frustrated!

I'm really trying to improve myself and my life here. I'm pretty proud of myself on many fronts. I'm learning to be more assertive. I'm back in school (that was a scary step...and sometimes it's hard to stay!). I volunteer when I can to causes I believe in. I'm trying to look more closely at every aspect of my life and see how I can make it the best it can be instead of just leaving it to take care of itself. I'm not perfect at this. Heck, sometimes I fall flat on my face. But I'm trying!

I don't really have an uplifting message to end this post on. I can offer you the metaphor of the table and tell you where I'm at. I hope your table is clean and organized and you feel you can tackle one task at a time and not swipe everything off. I'm not there but I sincerely hope you are.

If I Could Paint

I'm an amateur artist. I've displayed in an open hanging at the local art museum and I've won a couple prizes at the local fair. But I'm very much an amateur. I rarely have time anymore to paint. Motherhood, work, being a student, community activities all vie for my time. I also know the minute I get out my paints, my 2 year old will think it's open season!

At the fair this year. The guitar and the man with the hat are mine. The flowers are my sister's.

So I want to try a new idea here. My creative juices have been flowing lately and I have no outlet. So you will be my outlet, blog readers! I'm going to paint with my words.

If I could paint right now, I would paint in bold, sensual strokes. Curves and slashes would compete for canvas. Passion would leap off the page in a woman's shape dancing, a tree blowing in the wind. I would paint in warm hues of royal purple and autumn oranges and yellows. If I could paint right now, I'd paint a roaring fire in the cold of winter. The bright yellow and orange and red leaping out of the fire with black accents. I'd paint the ice blue cold of winter all around it held at bay with a halo of white around the flames. Perhaps some low hanging ice-covered branches. I want to paint of passion and warm comfort from the cold of life. I want to paint of sensuous desire and hunger for life in all its facets. I want to paint to keep the cold of unfulfillment out of my life.

Do you see it? What would you paint? Perhaps you've never held a brush? I encourage you to try it sometime and let go of any notions of what you "should" paint. You might be surprised what comes out. If you're intimidated by physical paints, paint with your words, with your mind. Think of what it is you would lay on canvas and what it means to you.

Surprises in the Mundane

I had an interesting lunch today.

I took my barely touched and reheated meal from my Tuesday lunch meeting with me to the park. I parked my car and ate while reading my Administrative Law book. This is all normal.

After I finished eating and came to a good stopping point in my reading, I pulled out my iPhone. This is also normal. For some reason, I decided to see if I had any voice memos. I did! My two-year old son had recorded a surprise recording months ago. Few things are cuter than the babblings of an almost two-year old who doesn't know he's being recorded. It was a nice surprise for this stressed, often guilt-ridden mommy.

Then I got out of my car to take a walk around the park. I also do this often. As I walked, I revelled in the cool, brisk early Fall air and the crunch of leaves underfoot (I adore the feel and sound of a leaf crunching under my foot...always have and no idea why!). It was a small but sweet gift.

As I continued my walk, I crossed paths with an older man walking an adorable dog. He was wearing a Vietnam Vet hat. I don't know if it was the dog, the man's kind eyes, or the hat but I wasn't the least bit intimidated by this man. I smiled, removed an ear bud and told him simply, "Happy Veteran's Day. Thank you." He said, "You're welcome" with a hint of surprise. I don't know but I think it did my soul more good than his. I am thankful for the opportunity to thank a stranger for a gift given before my birth.

On the opposite side of the park, I heard the tinkling laughter of small children. There is a church daycare directly opposite of the park. The children playing at this time of day are normally around my son's age and a little bit older. I watched their little heads bobbing over the fence as they ran in circles. For several years, I felt nothing but pain, envy, and loss as I watched children there. I still miss the children I never held but it was a small gift today to feel the joy in their play.

I had time to leisurely stroll today, a gift in itself but it allowed for all this to happen. Such a mundane, normal lunch but with eyes open, I received so much from it.

Don't Back Up

I was sick this week. Not sniffles-and-aches-so-I'm-slower-at-doing-my-usual-thing sick, but can't-do-anything-but-lay-in-bed-with-stomach-bug sick. I was out of commission at work for a day and a half and unfortunately basically out of commission at home as well. Almost the only reading I got done for about 2 days was my romance novels.

These are my guilty pleasures. They have very little, if any, substance. They don't educate me or stimulate my mind. They are candy for my brain. But, oh! how it is nice to immerse myself in a fantasy world for a little while when the day is done.

This week, as I was sick and felt like I would never rise from my bed a whole person again, I finished one book and started another. The first was about an environmental lawyer and a newly corporate lawyer who fall in love and find redeeming qualities in Corporate America after much cynicism and shady dealings of the corporation. Faith is restored in humanity and a wedding is planned (Sorry if I ruined the book for you...that I don't remember the title of). How perfect was this book for me? I scrounged it out of my grandmother's garage and couldn't believe she had held back on me! ;) I really didn't start out to review this book for you, though. The female protagonist in this book is unsure of herself and young though with quite a bit of spunk. She fears the bad guy though and runs to safety (after flinging hot soup in his face hehe I'm NOT making this up!).

The second book I'm barely into but so far it's about a native Hawaiian woman, pre-white man. She is abducted and taken to England where her white grandmother (her father was an exiled wealthy British man) adopts her. I don't know much more than that yet. However, the girl's reaction to danger struck me. The author makes a point of elucidating the girl's thoughts when she is first confronted by her abductor. I wish I had the book in front of me so I could quote it exactly. The girl is afraid of and intimidated by the man but she makes a conscious decision to not back up when he threatens her. She holds her ground and doesn't show her fear. This is so elemental but it was groundbreaking for me.

When faced with danger, threat, intimidation, she does not back up. The modern day attorney flees danger but the half native girl stands her ground. My instinct when faced with a danger, be it physical, mental or emotional, is to back up...to retreat even if only a step. And maybe I throw my hot soup in the face of my predator to distract so I can beat a hasty retreat. But it never occurs to me that the very thing my metaphorical or even real foe desires is to scare and intimidate me. Now, I realize there is reality and there is a time when it is wise for anyone to run and seek protection. However, I have been thinking lately (as anyone who has read my previous posts knows) about the fear women instinctively harbor. I think part of this power is one we women give...by backing up. I think it's true in physical situations (such as my encounters with people in a well-lit, active park in the middle of the day) and in societal situations (such as the small number of female politicians who are leaders in today's situation). If we don't allow them the ground, the power, they can't have it.

(I must note I do take issue with the fact that the authors of these two books show obvious discrimination not only against women in exploiting this fear but also in the characterization of native people in both books (the first novel involved a Native American male protagonist). Unfortunately, both are common in this genre and especially in older novels (one was printed circa 1970s and the other 90s).)

So I think one of the keys to unlock this puzzle is don't back up. And teach any young girls in your life the same-be they daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, students or friends. I'm not condoning putting them in danger. But I AM condoning teaching them the same thing we teach our boys: You have a right to stand exactly where you are. You have a right to occupy the space you are in (mentally and physically) and you don't have to yield it to someone else because they demand it. Come to think of it, with all the bullying going on and the tragic consequences, maybe we need to teach this to the boys more too! And while we're at it, let's teach ourselves and our youth that it's not acceptable to demand another person yield their personal mental, emotional, or physical space. This world would be a much nicer, and more equal, place if we all learned that elemental lesson.

Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down.*

*I would credit that phrase if I knew to whom to credit it (if you know, please let me know).


I have been thinking for a few days that I should post a blog and not lose momentum. Especially leading up to the midterm elections, my passion and fire was up and I was blogging more frequently. I knew, though, that I was feeling a bit letdown, hopeless, disillusioned after the election. So I want to blog to "not let the turkeys get you down."

When I was a child, my dad had this mug:

Everyone thought it was hilarious! And I really hate to admit this still, but I'm still not sure why. Maybe it's just the literal imagery? Maybe it was political (with the elephant) but I'm unsure what the political beliefs were in my childhood home (I suspect they've changed as the family dynamic changed).

But I've thought of this quote, of this idea as I've thought of what to blog. We can't let the turkeys or the Republicans or the naysayers or whoever get us down!

If anyone hasn't caught on yet, I'm a Democrat. I'm proud of that and I honestly believe that the ideas behind the Democratic platform are those most closely aligned with things I believe even more deeply such as treating all people with respect and helping those less fortunate than you. But even if you aren't a Democrat, don't let your turkeys get you down.

What has really changed this week for me personally. Nothing. I still believe the same things, I still want the same things, I just can't rely on the same methods to get them. So maybe a change of strategy is in order, maybe a change of timetable. But I need to remember that the environment is still suffering so my "green" efforts and my vegetarianism are still valid choices. There are also still hungry, poor, unhealthy, discriminated against people out there. And I still want them to have an equal chance in this world.

I do have some personal turkeys, too. I won't go into them here, but they exist. You do too, I'm sure of it. But we can't let them get us down. We can't let our hopes be dashed, our passions be dimmed, our desires be squelched. So I hope that you (and I) can carry in our heads the image of that elephant (lol maybe it should be a donkey for me?) in our heads this week (and this month and even the next few years) and not let our own personal turkeys get us down.