Courage

Last night, I took my kids to the park. It was a lovely evening and we headed out about 45 minutes before sundown. As we walked and talked, my kids and I all learned some good lessons...or at least I did. 

I sat down on a bench while my wild 4 year old son ran...just for the sake of running! My 11 year old daughter climbed the rock wall (which she later declared too dangerous as she perched atop it) and told me that she is very scared about going to middle school. I asked her why. She told me about how her elementary school is all she's ever known and how she'll go from being top dog to being the youngest. I remember her fears as my own at that age.

I also recognized her fear as my own at that moment. 

I told her how I'm scared, too. How I will be receiving my Master's degree in less than a year and will have to leave my wonderful job and my wonderful boss and maybe even my wonderful employer (though I wouldn't mind staying in a different capacity). I am very comfortable where I am now, just like my daughter was comfortable with her elementary school. It's scary to graduate to the next level. I know from this side that her middle school will bring her all kinds of new and exciting opportunities and she will love it, too! 

I don't know if my next step will bring me the same, but I sure hope so.

As my daughter and I were talking, my son began hollering from across the playground. We looked up and saw him dangling from the (short) monkey bars. We both ran over to help. I tried to get him to climb up and drop to the ground to show him it was a short fall so not much to fear, but even after falling once, he was scared. He was so scared of falling that he wouldn't even try. 

I told him, just as I told my daughter, sometimes courage means doing something even though you're scared terrified.

I'm at a crossroads, facing down the next step in my life. It may not come for another 10 months, but it's coming. I'm so scared to leave my comfort zone and so scared of failing. But I will look in the mirror and tell myself that sometimes courage means doing it anyway. 

These kids teach me something everyday.

What You Should Know About Public Servants-OR-What I Want You to Realize About Benghazi

Politics is everywhere these days. I mean, Facebook, the news, the watercooler, Twitter, comedy, blogs...everywhere. And many people I know swear that they would rather just avoid politics because it just creates friction. Now I'm as anti-conflict as they come pretty much. You can ask my family; I really try to avoid conflict to the point that I really should start standing up and creating it more. But politics? Bring it on. See, for me, this is not just something to be avoided or not. It is a big deal to me. I am almost halfway through my Master in Public Administration (side note brag: the program in which I'm enrolled is now ranked SIXTH in the nation!). Public policy, politics, public management issues are all a daily part of my thinking. That being said, I want to let you in on some information you should know to really consider the whole Beghazi thing.

The Master's program in which I'm enrolled is an online program. We are required to show up in person twice during the two year program. The first residency weekend was at the beginning of the Fall semester last year (coincidentally, the Benghazi attack happened during this same weekend). I met the most amazing people who are also enrolled in this program. We all introduced ourselves the first day and told why we were pursuing this degree. Every. single. one. of these students (about 80, I think) basically wants to change the world (or their industry, or the government, or one challenge) for the better. These are amazing, giving people. We will not likely get rich. You can make a lot more money in the private sector than the public sector. We will not likely be famous. We are not in this for those reasons. These students are in it because they see how things can be better and they want to be part of that.

Two of my new-found friends in the program had a conversation which I didn't know about till later. They discussed the possibility of public service such as working at an embassy or for the State Department as part of their futures (or that of our classmates). They discussed that this career path is not without risk. We get it: we could get hurt. But the funny thing about people who are devoting their lives and careers to serving their country and their fellow citizens: they are willing to accept risks. THAT is what you need to know about US Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and the 3 others killed in the infamous Benghazi attack. They knew the risks and went anyway.

Does this mean it's ok to turn our backs on ambassadors and other public servants? Absolutely not. But it needs to be recognized that these individuals are not unlike our armed services in that they serve despite the risks. They should be honored (whether killed or not), but it seems that the current outrage discounts the accepted risks. It also dishonors the public servants to turn the incident into a political issue. If there is a legitimate reason to pursue the investigation of this incident further, I'm unaware of it. It is beating a dead horse at this point. What do we hope to accomplish? I think if everyone could back up and think about what really best honors these individuals, we all might realize it is not turning their deaths into political ammunition.

When I tell people that I eventually would like to enter politics and run for office, I almost invariably get responses of shock and usually jokes. Most people want to know why I would choose to enter that despicable field. As long as we continue to view the entire realm of public service (both political and and the less political appointed positions) as dirty and undesirable, we will have a shortage of willing entrants who will honorably serve. And treating those who are willing to serve their country in this manner only exacerbates the problem.

I just thought you should know.

The Truth About Being Fat

You hear on TV and movies a character say, "I got a wake-up call from my doctor about my weight." I never imagined mine would sound like this.

Do you have an exercise plan? Yes, I ran my first 5k last fall. Then you need to watch your diet more. You are a pretty girl now that your acne is clearing up.

I nearly cried when the doctor left the room. Did she think I hadn't noticed I weigh quite a bit more than when I was in high school or when I met my husband? Did she think I hadn't noticed my once pristine skin is now bumpy with acne scars and current pimples? Did she think I don't look in the mirror and ache seeing the woman stare back at me?

This was not a warning that my blood pressure is too high (it's not) or that my heart is not doing well (I have no symptoms of heart trouble) or that I'm at risk for Type II Diabetes (I haven't been tested for this but have no symptoms). I run jog around 5 to 15 miles per week. I can lift at least 53 pounds (my son's weight). I know many skinny people who are not physically capable of running  jogging that far or lifting that much.

I wallowed in my self-loathing in that exam room. And then I got mad. This was not about my health. This was about appearances. What may have even made it more appalling was that it came from a woman. She was perpetuating body issues women have been forcing on ourselves and each other for generations.

I know what people think when they look at me. I know that the assumption is that I am this weight because I am not committed enough or diligent enough or capable of working hard enough to get skinny. The assumption is that I got this way from overindulging myself and not knowing how to say "no" to another helping of cake/pie/pizza.

I am committed and diligent enough to complete a college degree while working full time and raising a small child. I am capable of working hard enough to maintain a 4.0 in graduate school while raising said child and still working full time.

I got this way mostly from eating out of grief. When my heart was ripped out when my two babies died in my womb before I had a chance to know them....I ate. When I got pregnant and then miscarried, then prayed and hoped for almost a year before getting pregnant again and miscarrying again and then waited another 11 months before finally getting pregnant again and staying that way the normal time period....I ate. I ate once every hour for 9 months so I wouldn't throw up and get dehydrated. I lost all the weight gained while pregnant shortly after my son was born (through the miracle of breastfeeding), but the grief weight has lingered. I carry my lost babies in my heart and mind daily still. And I carry the reminder in my body...but you don't know that when you look at me. You only know me as part of the obesity epidemic.

I know that "food deserts" and the "obesity epidemic" and "childhood obesity" are all very real problems in our culture. I know that we deep fry everything and fill it all with high fructose corn syrup. I know that our eating habits are deplorable. My eating habits are not what they should be but we do avoid processed foods more than what I suspect the average household does. I am very aware of my food and was a vegetarian for 2 years.

I decided to write this post because I know I'm not alone. I know there are so many other fat women...and men...out there who hurt because of what people assume when they look at them. Maybe a lot of them really are just lazy and unmotivated and overindulgent with sweet and fatty foods. But there is so often a bigger story. And there is so often a hurting heart under those layers of fat. I guess I just want us to make one more effort to show kindness to our fellow humans. If only we could all look at each other and just know that this person has struggles just like us and hurts just like us. If only we could forget about what society tells us we need to be pretty and realize that beauty and health come in different packages.

I am still trying to lose weight. I increase the time and distance I run jog on a weekly basis. I am restricting my sweet and fat intake even more (at least until I lose some weight). If I still don't lose weight, I will seek (another) doctor's advice to make sure there is not an underlying health issue. And I will try to learn to love myself at any size while trying to make my body healthier.

Because for me, the wake up call is to lose the weight and lose the stereotype.

Shut Up and Do Something

I'm feeling a bit cantankerous this morning. A bit confrontational. It's unusual for me and even more unusual for me to do something as public as write a blog about it, but writing is a good outlet for me. And I've been told I'm not too bad at it.

Here is what has me frustrated lately: whining and complaining. Now, I do my fair share of both, I'll admit. But here is where I like to think we differ: I'm more than willing to do something about it. I'm one semester deep into a degree to get me a job in a field where I can fix or at least try to fix the things that most vex me. What are you doing?

I know friends and family and random acquaintances who tell me the government needs to stop taking care of people. That's what churches are for. My argument is if the churches were really doing something about poverty, hunger, mental illness, and disability; the government wouldn't have to! If you think charity is the way to take care of these problems, get out there and start a charity. I understand you have a full time job and don't have time to run a charity-find someone who can. Go to your pastor and tell them you want to start a charity. Go to your employer and see if they'll donate to start a charity. If you're doing all that, great! Get the word out to others about how they can do it. Or stop complaining that the government is doing it!

I live in Texas so I know many people who loooove their guns. They think the 2nd amendment should be the most important amendment-sometimes over the 1st. They are terrified that Obama is going to take all the guns away. Even though Obama has NEVER said a word about outlawing guns or "taking them away". Why do they need guns so badly? Well, many of my neighbors, friends, and family believe the government is so corrupt that an armed mass will be needed in the near future to rise up and defeat it. This seems like a horrifyingly violent solution to me. And it also seems completely unnecessary. Have you tried our established legal system? Have you written your legislators? Have you signed physical petitions (honestly, the online ones are convenient but don't really get us anywhere)? Have you run for office yourself? Why are guns the first solution...or any solution? You are talking about killing or at least injuring (or at the very least threatening bodily harm) fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, someone's child! I've never considered that an option and I'm appalled at the otherwise law-abiding people suggesting it.

Speaking of guns, recent events have gun control in the national conversation again. I understand some people don't want limits placed on guns. I'm going to come right out and say why is the violence we've experienced better? I think every. single. (sane) person. in the United States (maybe even the world) would agree that events like the Newtown shooting are unacceptable. Little innocent children should be able to attend school without fear of being killed. No parent should have to fear not bringing their child home alive from a public elementary school. But the ways to eliminate this type of action vary. The ones I've heard so far are: some kind of legal gun control, increased and/or reformed mental health solutions, putting God back in schools, and nothing. I'm for the first 2 and the 3rd sounds good in theory. The 4th is unacceptable. Those who suggest we only need to "put God back in our schools" probably have their hearts in the right place. And I would LOVE it if our schools taught more love and acceptance. But the people who say we need to do that-they're not actually doing anything. They are not starting bible studies or lobbying to teach more love and acceptance. And, in addition, we then have to decide which God and which agenda and which doctrine we're putting back in the schools. Meanwhile, another person is going to snap, buy a gun, and kill more people.

I suppose my point in all of these issues is this: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Posting Facebook links or griping in your tweets and statuses is not helpful. Arguing against all of the proposed concrete solutions is not helpful. If you're not willing to put your own money, labor, effort, reputation, or whatever else you have to offer into it; get out of the way for those who will.

Courage

I was running jogging jogging/walking with my daughter in the park the other day...Wait, I have to stop first on this sentence. I love that I can honestly type this sentence on so many levels. I grew up not able to fully participate in P.E. because I had such acute asthma. The fact that I can jog at all still astounds me. The fact that my daughter told me to wait while she got her tennis shoes when I announced I was going for a jog thrills me-both that she wants to spend time with me and that she wants to exercise.

Where was I? Oh yes, I was jogging/walking with my daughter in the park the other day. She for some reason told me a story about a bug that was in her room that she smashed. Now, there are a couple things you need to know to fully appreciate this story:

1. I'm a very anti-violent person. To the point that I feel guilty when I kill a bug. I don't like them and I don't want them in my house as they're nasty but I feel guilty killing them. 
2.  My daughter is VERY afraid of bugs. She normally freaks out when she sees one anywhere. She gets as far from it as she can and induces panic in her father or me by her tone of voice. And then we kill it for her. 

So my reaction to her story about killing the bug was this: "I'm really proud of you." I told her she was very brave to kill the bug. She was surprised I was proud because, in her words, "I was still really scared!" I told her that being brave is being scared and doing it anyway.

This story was running through my head today. The above definition of bravery is not my own but I'm not sure who deserves the credit. It's an idea I like, though. I'm scared so often. Not just of bugs or heights or how badly I'll screw up my kids. But also of trying new things and taking chances and the unknown. But how awesome does it feel when you're brave? When you're scared to death but you do it anyway! I read today about a red dress. That link is a blog post on this amazing blog that apparently a lot of people know about but I just discovered last week. The idea is every woman should wear a red dress/ballgown at some point because it is impractical and you want to (you know you do...I totally do). The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson) calls it embarrassment (quote from above linked post: "So today, think about what it is you need and were too embarrassed to ask for.")...I call it fear. Whatever you call it, courage is about not letting it hold you back.

I've been talking to my husband lately about some decisions we are on the verge of making that I want badly to follow through on but they scare the hell out of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. Where do you need to be courageous today? Don't let fear or embarrassment have that power over you...do it anyway!

Brave is being scared and doing it anyway.

Overheard

Things I overheard in the last few days:

(In response to being told about a survey about attitudes about LBGT issues) "I don't judge. God will judge. I don't judge...I have gay friends! Not intimate ones, of course."

(On being unemployed and hungry) "Obama ruined everything. I do NOT like him." (literally, the only thing that prompted this comment was the fact that the speaker is unemployed and hungry)

(From a retired teacher. SMH) "Them's that can, do. Them's that can't, teach."

Response to internet commentor

You paint the world

in black and white,

bad and good.

You brag about

what white has done

and point fingers

at the black.

It is their own fault

they were slaves.

You have all the answers,

and I must be liberal

if I disagree.

Without "them,"

you could not:

Eat your peanut butter,

have heart surgery,

cortisone,

cataract treatment

or blood donation.

Enjoy dry cleaning,

beauty products,

and refrigerated trucks. 

Different is not bad.

"They" have done

more for you

than you know.

But don’t you dare

be poor,

or wear a hoodie,

or be different.

Your ignorance

fills me with despair

for our future.

I tell my son

we love everyone.

He is my hope

that hatred

will not prevail.

 

(original poem by Karen Logan. Please do not redistribute or copy without permission.)