The "F" word

Feminism. It's become such a trigger word in our society. My girlfriends, my daughter, my sister, and I wear it as a proud badge. To us, it means something important. It truly is about equality. I wrote what I hoped would be the beginning of a book (maybe it still will be) a year or two ago. I think it's even more important now.

I sat with a group of friends a few nights ago. The three of us chatted over adult beverages and 
appetizers. We talked about motherhood, jobs, husbands, fitness, money, the gamut! It struck me more 
than once the manner in which we would rail against the injustice of some condition of the modern 
woman in one breath and dismiss it as something we must just bear in the other.

My friend, the fitness instructor, complains nearly every time we talk about her job that the women talk 
badly about her. And worse, that every person who enters the gym where she works is so unhappy. 
No matter the level of fitness, they all are unhappy with their bodies. She wants to help them feel better
mentally and physically through exercise, but she feels she is only helping them and herself feel more
miserable. Then she sighs, sips her margarita, and moves to the next topic. I’ll confess I wanted to hear
her excitedly tell me about how she has thought of some new techniques to help them love themselves
more. She did not. I don’t know if this is because she fears it won’t be accepted, she does not want to
put in the effort, or that the disappointments and many practical responsibilities of life have rendered her
unable to catch that spark of idealism. I fear it’s the latter. Or maybe I’m just too idealistic. Maybe she's
tried and got stopped short by the trappings of bureaucracy.

These two same friends live feminism in a way that I find both intriguing and inspirational. They choose 
whether they work outside the home or not, and financial considerations are not their only motivations. 
They are both great moms that don’t parent by the rule book. And, though they’re great friends, they 
aren’t afraid to disagree or criticize each other.  In a few weeks, they will embark on a 5 week camping 
trip with their respective children. Their husbands will join them for portions of the adventure, but they will 
do most of it without them. We are not talking campers and hotel back-up plans, either. They have 
reserved campsites, sealed tents (I don’t even know how one seam seals a tent!), and even planned 
sleeping arrangements within their vehicles for the long drives. Accompanying these moms are SIX 
children ages ranging from 5 to 10!

Once they were on a smaller camping trip and had a flat tire. They fixed it themselves (I think AAA might 
have been involved), but were asked many questions along the way about how they were able to do so. Not just 
questions about the tire; questions about how they were camping without their men! This is one of the 
most poignant and personal expressions of feminism I’ve ever encountered.

Shouldn’t feminism be personal? Few people would suggest that everyone should have the exact same 
job for exactly the same pay, wear exactly the same clothes, or otherwise live cloned lives. Yet too many 
times, that’s what feminism becomes. We must all work outside the home and become executives. We 
must all dress modestly or dress immodestly (depending on which message we’re sending this month). 
I am not suggesting that these are not noble efforts to gain awareness and equality. I am instead 
suggesting that we personalize feminism.

Feminism and the fight for women’s rights has been compared to and linked with the civil rights struggle 
of people of color in this nation. What is the story most told about the civil rights movement? What really 
grabbed the attention of the nation and our history books? Rosa Parks on the bus. Or a random person 
being denied a seat at a lunch counter. Were these the greatest issues facing people of color in the 
South in the 1960s? I dare say not! Of course we are aware of voting rights, lynchings, disappearances, 
and other travesties, but it is so often boiled down to the very personal experiences of eating, drinking, 
sitting on a bus, and using a toilet. 

How can we apply that to feminism? Let’s start talking about what feminism means to each one of us. 
Not in a pedantic way that suggests what works for one woman works for all women. Let’s share our 
experiences and how we overcame our internal fears. Let’s share the times that we have felt 
persecuted and how we moved past it.

Don't Back Up

I was sick this week. Not sniffles-and-aches-so-I'm-slower-at-doing-my-usual-thing sick, but can't-do-anything-but-lay-in-bed-with-stomach-bug sick. I was out of commission at work for a day and a half and unfortunately basically out of commission at home as well. Almost the only reading I got done for about 2 days was my romance novels.

These are my guilty pleasures. They have very little, if any, substance. They don't educate me or stimulate my mind. They are candy for my brain. But, oh! how it is nice to immerse myself in a fantasy world for a little while when the day is done.

This week, as I was sick and felt like I would never rise from my bed a whole person again, I finished one book and started another. The first was about an environmental lawyer and a newly corporate lawyer who fall in love and find redeeming qualities in Corporate America after much cynicism and shady dealings of the corporation. Faith is restored in humanity and a wedding is planned (Sorry if I ruined the book for you...that I don't remember the title of). How perfect was this book for me? I scrounged it out of my grandmother's garage and couldn't believe she had held back on me! ;) I really didn't start out to review this book for you, though. The female protagonist in this book is unsure of herself and young though with quite a bit of spunk. She fears the bad guy though and runs to safety (after flinging hot soup in his face hehe I'm NOT making this up!).

The second book I'm barely into but so far it's about a native Hawaiian woman, pre-white man. She is abducted and taken to England where her white grandmother (her father was an exiled wealthy British man) adopts her. I don't know much more than that yet. However, the girl's reaction to danger struck me. The author makes a point of elucidating the girl's thoughts when she is first confronted by her abductor. I wish I had the book in front of me so I could quote it exactly. The girl is afraid of and intimidated by the man but she makes a conscious decision to not back up when he threatens her. She holds her ground and doesn't show her fear. This is so elemental but it was groundbreaking for me.

When faced with danger, threat, intimidation, she does not back up. The modern day attorney flees danger but the half native girl stands her ground. My instinct when faced with a danger, be it physical, mental or emotional, is to back up...to retreat even if only a step. And maybe I throw my hot soup in the face of my predator to distract so I can beat a hasty retreat. But it never occurs to me that the very thing my metaphorical or even real foe desires is to scare and intimidate me. Now, I realize there is reality and there is a time when it is wise for anyone to run and seek protection. However, I have been thinking lately (as anyone who has read my previous posts knows) about the fear women instinctively harbor. I think part of this power is one we women give...by backing up. I think it's true in physical situations (such as my encounters with people in a well-lit, active park in the middle of the day) and in societal situations (such as the small number of female politicians who are leaders in today's situation). If we don't allow them the ground, the power, they can't have it.

(I must note I do take issue with the fact that the authors of these two books show obvious discrimination not only against women in exploiting this fear but also in the characterization of native people in both books (the first novel involved a Native American male protagonist). Unfortunately, both are common in this genre and especially in older novels (one was printed circa 1970s and the other 90s).)

So I think one of the keys to unlock this puzzle is don't back up. And teach any young girls in your life the same-be they daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, students or friends. I'm not condoning putting them in danger. But I AM condoning teaching them the same thing we teach our boys: You have a right to stand exactly where you are. You have a right to occupy the space you are in (mentally and physically) and you don't have to yield it to someone else because they demand it. Come to think of it, with all the bullying going on and the tragic consequences, maybe we need to teach this to the boys more too! And while we're at it, let's teach ourselves and our youth that it's not acceptable to demand another person yield their personal mental, emotional, or physical space. This world would be a much nicer, and more equal, place if we all learned that elemental lesson.